I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
