so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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