I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
i think i just lost a toe
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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