Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
