I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
