I think I died a long time ago.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
