im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
