I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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