I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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