Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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