i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
the raccoons are back...
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