What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
