Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
