You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
