A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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