I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
