I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
