It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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