I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
