I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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