Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
