Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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