you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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