You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
