so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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