just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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