Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
