Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?

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(678): View more from Georgia

did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

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(319): View more from Iowa

I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.

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(619): View more from California

I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"

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