Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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