Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
