just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
