I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
