Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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