can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
