i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
