My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
