you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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