I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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