My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
