I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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