I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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