I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Welp...herpes.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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