He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
