We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
