Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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