How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I met the friendliest cop last night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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