I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
vagina is talking i cant
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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