Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
