im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
