I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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