someone threw a dead crab at me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
