Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
