So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You should frame my arrest warrant.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
