Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
