We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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