Im at strip club and am horny
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
