Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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