My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
