i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
