Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
