forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
